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In my stories I shared a meal I made today and the In my stories I shared a meal I made today and there was one reply that I had to reply to right away.

It read, “You’re definitely winning, I don’t know how you do it. I’ve been in a funk lately and my husband works such long hours. Most days I’m so overwhelmed that I’m too tired to cook big meals  so we do takeout or quick boxed meals.”

So many times I get on here and see stuff that I wish I could do more of. So many times I feel like I’m not doing enough. And I never want to make anyone else feel that way. 

What you don’t see is that so many times I feel mentally and physically drained. What you don’t see is that over the past 6 months since Sariyah’s diagnosis I’ve been on several different meds to cope. I’ve had therapy, I’ve had dark days. I’ve felt like giving up because weaning off one medication to try the next is something nightmares are made of.

I’ve had so much shame, and so many days of not even being able to do anything. So many days we’ve done pizza, or my husband cooks when he gets home which adds to my guilt even though he never complains. Just sitting down coming up with a grocery pick up list feels exhausting sometimes. Then there’s the days where I can’t sit still and have to be doing everything. It’s a constant contradiction of feelings. But sometimes even making a meal seems like too much.

And then one day everything just clicked with the right medications. It’s like the fog has been lifted. I can get outside and get fresh air, and actually soak it all in. I can get up and look forward to the day without the crushing weight of anxiety. Everyday isn’t like that, but I feel so much relief it’s like I’m coming off a high of being in survival mode. I’m not telling you that you need medicine not by any means. I’m simply sharing to remind you not to compare your real to someone’s highlight reel. 

You get up everyday and show up, no matter how hard and messy it may be it’s your real and it’s beautiful. Boxed meals, fast food, etc you’re doing the absolute best you can! And to me that sounds a lot like you’re winning too my friend.
Come on in I got you!!! How are you feeling today, Come on in I got you!!! How are you feeling today, and I mean REALLY feeling?
I was having a hard day and my brother’s girlfri I was having a hard day and my brother’s girlfriend sent me an encouraging text out of nowhere. 

The last part hit deep,”I can’t wait to see all of celebrations once this comes to an end but I wanted to let you know y’all are worth celebrating right now!”

So many times I feel like I’m waiting to celebrate the day she’s done with chemo that I forget life is worth celebrating right now. 

I forget that I have the power of choice. I can open my hands to accept the light, or I can stand trembling in the darkness. I can walk blindly through my days, or I can pause to appreciate the little gifts along the way. I can celebrate simply showing up; the beautiful weather we’ve been having, friends that reach out and check in, a husband who will do anything to cheer me up when I’m down, there’s still so much to celebrate. You don’t have to wait for that big promotion, that call, that move, as hard as it may be sometimes you can celebrate right now. Even if it’s simply getting up making it through the day. Even if it’s having the courage to walk away from something that no longer serves you. Even if it’s laying your head down tonight knowing you loved with all your heart today and gave it your all. You’re worth celebrating right now.

If you’ve read this far share something you want to celebrate right now🎉🎊👏🏽
So many told me how,”normal” a blood transfusi So many told me how,”normal” a blood transfusion is, and that it’s no big deal. 

I understand people mean well, but none of this is “normal”’to me. I still can’t wrap my head around being admitted and seeing the words ONC(oncology), on the board and meeting with different hemoc doctors. 

I’ve always been the one on the other side consulting these very doctors at work, for other people. I still can’t wrap my head around my baby even needing a transfusion. 

None of this is “normal.”

While I’m forever grateful I still have her here, I want to scream how nothing feels normal. I want to shout how much it hurts seeing your baby go through so much in such a short amount of time. 

It’s like your life is engulfed in the flames of devastating loss of what used to be. 

Normal routines, financial security, relationships, your family’s once normal life gets turned upside down. 

Just when you think there’s a safe room to breathe in again, another flame sparks and you are choked out by the smoke. 

This is your home now. Some will walk away, and some will look past the smoke and stand with you...those are your people don’t ever let them go. 

Things will never be “normal” again. So you somehow make peace with living among the charred ashes of “the beautiful life that was,” and cling tight to all that is. #sariyahstrong
Today she’s getting her first blood transfusion. Today she’s getting her first blood transfusion. I won’t lie I was a nervous wreck at first. But I’m extremely grateful for people that donate blood. She’s finally fever free, and not as lethargic as she has been. She’s back to being silly, and I know the transfusion will help tremendously. She has her “boxing gloves” on still kicking cancers butt! #sariyahstrong
This is #childhoodcancer it effects the whole fami This is #childhoodcancer it effects the whole family in many different ways. I was helping Miya with virtual and Jai took Sariyah in here. He always picks up on my emotions and knew that I felt like Sariyah wasn’t acting like herself. 

He took her in the bedroom and I came in here to this, and it broke my heart. No child should go through this and no sibling should have to see them go through this. I tried to prepare myself for this course because it’s always the hardest on her. I know the chemo is doing its job, but in exchange it completely drains her. I just checked her temp and sure enough she has a fever. So as I wait for St.Jude to call back I’ll start packing bags and just pray that her levels have at least went up so we don’t have to be admitted.
Today is the end of course 8!!! Three more courses Today is the end of course 8!!! Three more courses to go! Today she’s not feeling too well but that’s just how it is sometimes sadly. 

When I first started this page I said I’d be transparent, and to do everything in my power to raise more awareness.

With that being said, there's two sides to childhood cancer.

I always show the side with smiles, and positivity.

But there’s a side I don’t share much, not because I’m afraid but because society will tell you sharing the other side is being negative or wanting attention. But that’s far from the truth. The other side is just as much a part of the journey as the smiles, and cute photos. 

There’s so many medications to counteract the side effects of the very drugs that you hope will rid your child of cancer.

There’s times when she wakes up from anesthesia so inconsolable they have to give her fentanyl. There’s sleepless nights after cryotherapy, laser, and chemotherapy in her eye. There’s swelling so big it breaks your heart, when you have to remove the eye bandage to apply ointment. There’s the irritability from not being able to open it. There’s the morphine you give while still wrapping your head around the fact you’re giving it to a baby. There’s the nausea meds, antibiotics, etc. 

There’s stories you read of other retinoblastoma warriors that break your heart, and you tell yourself every story is different it still leaves the,”What if” in the back of your mind. There’s the tears, sweaty palms, and racing heart as you watch your child drift off to sleep on the operating table as you walk off to wait for the EUA results while praying and pleading with God that the tumor hasn’t spread. 

It’s so isolating sometimes. 

There’s days where the weight of seeing everything your child goes through that you feel like you can’t take another step. But you do, because they do. When they hurt you hurt. When they fight you fight, and on the days they are too weak, you fight for them. It’s just what you do. And when they smile through the pain, you can’t help but to smile too. This is childhood cancer. 

This is the behind the scene stuff of retinoblastoma, and it all matters. #sariyahstrong
I packed this lemon shirt because she’s shown me I packed this lemon shirt because she’s shown me over and over that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

We’ve had a lot of bitter moments lately. Yesterday she had to have cryotherapy, laser, and a chemo injection in her right eye. There’s still a seed the doctor was unable to get, but the tumor itself continues to respond to the chemo and so I’ll take that! But she woke up in extreme pain and had to have more pain medicine. And then chemotherapy through her port. Her eye is swollen shut and it breaks my heart. I wish I could take her home and this all could just be a bad dream. 

As mothers we just want to shield our kids from pain, and it’s just hard. She couldn’t get comfortable most of the night. She’s thrown up, and is on a bag of fluids. 

Yet today she’s smiling that big sweet smile...bittersweet. We just finished treatment day 3/5. It’s an ice storm right now so we are bundled up in the hotel. 

I guess this is life mixed with bitter and sweet, we just do the best we can to navigate through it and cherish the sweet moments even more. And no matter what God is in the bitter and sweet moments. Please pray she’s able to find comfort and that she handles the rest of this course well. #sariyahstrong
When she starts chemo it’s always hard and I fee When she starts chemo it’s always hard and I feel so alone, since Jeff can’t be here. Today as her nurse was starting the chemo she noticed the sticker on my Bible. We started taking and she reminded me of John 13:7,”Jesus replied, “You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.” 

We started talking more about God. I told her Sariyah’s name came from Sarai (Sarah) in the Bible, and how God told me the name long before I knew the gender when we were in the waiting for a house. 

Here’s the part that gave me chills.

When she came back she told me just how much our conversation meant to her, because like Sarah she too is in the waiting to have a baby. She said it was no coincidence she met Sariyah today and that the meaning behind her name is a reminder for her to not lose hope. And that the pain I’m going through right now won’t make sense, but one day it will. We both left feeling so encouraged. 

What I’m trying to say is that there’s no coincidences when it comes to following God. He aligns us with others at the right time when we need them the most, to encourage one another in life’s trials. You never know how much of an impact the smallest things can make on someone else, so always choose kindness. You never really know what someone else is battling. 

Most of all we are never ever alone He’s with us in the waiting. You may be waiting for that promotion, big news, a new job, test results, reconciliation with a loved one. Whatever it is you’re going through God is with you. Sometimes we just need a little reminder. God is greater than the highs and lows❤️
My firstborn is ten today! We are officially in t My firstborn is ten today!

We are officially in the double digits.

We’ve learned and grown so much together. 

I will always share this part of the story because it’s his story too.The words,"There's no heart beat,” will forever be etched in my mind. I was told I needed to have a D&C, but God said,"NO!" I trusted in Him and went to another hospital where I was told my baby had a strong beating heart. To this day he still has such a big heart.

He is always helping others. He used to walk his sister to class when she was scared. He always asks what he can do to help me. He’s so compassionate it’s just who he is. 

His baby face is quickly changing. He’s getting taller, and changing before my eyes. Yet I always tell him he’s my baby boy, and that’s one thing that will never change.  Love you so much Jai!!!!!

Life-Faith-& Raising A Family Through The Lens of Grace

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Retinoblastoma and A Mother’s Intuition

December 29, 2020      Jasmine M.      1 Comment

As the year 2020 comes to an end, I wanted to share what has been going on these past few months. I've worked in a children's hospital for thirteen years now and there's one word that always trips me up. It's always been the word that I've tip toed around. I've seen the heartache and havoc it wreaks. Yet I've also see the strength and courage it forges. For whatever reason or another I've just always avoided the word. I could have never ...

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Exciting News and My First Video

July 17, 2020      Jasmine M.      2 Comments

I have some exciting news that I have been holding in! A while back I finally ignored my fears and reached out to a local videographer. This is something I have dreamt of doing for a while now. I honestly just felt too afraid, and didn't really know where to start. I told him what I was looking for and he went from there. I wanted a fun family intro + a trailer for my new channel. It was nothing at all like I expected! It was like meeting with ...

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Maybe summer isn’t ruined

June 16, 2020      Jasmine M.      Leave a Comment

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A Letter to My One Year Old Daughter

April 6, 2020      Jasmine M.      1 Comment

Dear Sariyah, It is really hard to believe we are here now, at one year. I mean how?  It seems just like yesterday when those lines immediately showed up on the test. I remember how we were in the middle of already trying to find a bigger home. And you were the greatest testament of faith for me. God whispered your name to me long before it was confirmed. And the meaning behind your name holds so much power.It seems just like yesterday that warm ...

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Anakeesta and the Longest Treetop Skybridge in North America

August 4, 2019      Jasmine M.      Leave a Comment

(Special YouTube video of our trip is included. Trust me you don't want to miss it!)  I had an exciting opportunity to be one of the firsts to ride the all new Ridge Rambler that launches at Anakeesta later this month. My husband had to work, so I only brought my three older kids with me, ages 4, 6, & 8). My mother in law graciously kept my younger two. This was the perfect trip before they go back to school! Firstly, you would never know it ...

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The (in)courage Bible Project

July 26, 2019      Jasmine M.      Leave a Comment

                                (image via the incourage website)I've been meaning to share some news with you all on something big I got to contribute to.! Two years ago I was given a very humbling opportunity to contribute in a devotional Bible by (in)courage! I was beyond honored and so excited. I prayed and prayed over the devotionals I typed out, and how ...

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About

I just want to start by saying I am so grateful that you are here. I was born and raised in the south, and sweet tea is my jam. I’m married to my best friend. We recently welcomed baby number 5 in April! I never saw myself having a big family but, I couldn’t be more grateful for this life. They are all around 2 years apart, plus we have hyperactive weimaraner! So my days are loud, and chaotic in the best way possible. I do photography occasionally, work part time seasonal in an E.R, consume way too much iced coffee, and I’m a huge grace enthusiast!
Did I mention that I love writing? I believe in sharing our stories, because that’s where the connection and healing starts. It is my biggest passion to encourage others through my own stories. I don’t have all the answers, fashion or beauty tips. But what I do have is a deep burning passion in my soul. I want to; encourage, uplift, and inspire others to see and live life through the lens of grace. And laugh a little, because sometimes you just need either a good laugh or cry. I hope you will pull up a chair, kick back, and join me. There’s always a seat at the table for you here! For more encouragement and daily posts you can find me here. -With Love, Jasmine

For collabs or just to chat you can contact me here.

 

 

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